There's a reason I save logs of every IM conversation I have

Well, aside from being able to quote someone and trap them with their own words.

And forming alibis.

I tend to have conversations that are freaking hilarious. Then again, I think you've all been made aware of that. Of course you've all been made aware of one infamous one I had with Cooper. Pia called it a cult hit. I call it the tip of the iceberg. To borrow a line from Jason, "Wouldn't you, dear reader, like to know."

Yes I know that he's probably not the first to use that line but if you read his latest three part saga you'll know what I mean when I say that his use of it was notable

Where was I?

Ah yes. AIM conversations.

Take this one for example.

(21:25:06) EsotericWombat: I hear you're playing a French Maid in a show with Katrina
(21:25:13) Hillary: haha
(21:25:15) Hillary: yes
(21:25:18) Hillary: you will not be attending
(21:25:21) Hillary: =P
(21:25:51) EsotericWombat: I already promised Kat I'd go and see her =P
(21:25:58) Hillary: daaamn...
(21:26:08) Hillary: well, ill try to show a little less ass that night
(21:26:48) EsotericWombat: oh you won't know I'm there until I congratulate you after the show
(21:27:11) Hillary: well then ill just be chaste all nights
(21:27:14) Hillary: there happy now?
(21:27:21) EsotericWombat: fine I'll tell you
(21:27:23) Hillary: you have deprived everyone else of ass
(21:27:25) Hillary: =P
(21:27:44) EsotericWombat: I hate to be a depriver
(21:27:54) Hillary: im sure
(21:27:55) Hillary: hehe
(21:28:10) EsotericWombat: even though you would be the one doing the depriving
(21:28:18) EsotericWombat: I can't have my hands stained with it
(21:28:30) Hillary: i'd say 'you're cockblocking for EVERYONE ELSE in the audience' but it would just be creepy...
(21:28:33) Hillary: quite
(21:28:34) Hillary: ^.^
(21:28:55) EsotericWombat: well I'd be doing that by showing up actually, wouldn't I
(21:29:08) Hillary: hahaha
(21:29:11) Hillary: arrogant,a ren't we?
(21:29:24) EsotericWombat: no I mean if I show up
(21:29:31) EsotericWombat: you don't show ass
(21:29:41) EsotericWombat: so I'm still being a depriver
(21:29:46) EsotericWombat: just less so
(21:29:59) Hillary: ahm
(21:30:01) Hillary: hehe true
(21:30:35) EsotericWombat: so I have to decide between breaking a promise and being a depriver
(21:31:00) Hillary: oho?
(21:31:04) EsotericWombat: why must you put me through such moral dilemmas?
(21:31:42) Hillary: ...because my ass is fantastic?
(21:31:50) EsotericWombat: touche
(21:31:53) Hillary: HAHAA

(21:42:50) EsotericWombat: ugh. Jimmy Buffet on the radio...
(21:43:25) EsotericWombat: Parrotheads only count as 3/5 of a person
(21:44:11) Hillary: heeh
(21:44:45) EsotericWombat: that fucker has a line of frozen dinners
(21:44:53) EsotericWombat: under his "Magaritaville" brand
(21:45:00) Hillary: hahaa
(21:45:01) Hillary: silly
(21:45:17) EsotericWombat: which, yes, includes a shitty tequila
(21:45:28) EsotericWombat: a magarita mix
(21:45:29) Hillary: of course
(21:45:35) EsotericWombat: and a pina colada mix
(21:45:42) Hillary: haha
(21:45:43) Hillary: in the rain
(21:46:57) EsotericWombat: the best parts of his shows are the moments between his breaths
(21:47:15) EsotericWombat: because of the fleeting hope that there won't be another one
(21:47:43) Hillary: haha
(21:47:45) Hillary: ouuch
(21:49:56) EsotericWombat: thank you
(21:50:25) Hillary: haha
(21:50:36) Hillary: seems only fair
(21:50:42) Hillary: you gave my ass an ego boost
(21:50:57) EsotericWombat: your ass has it's own ego?
(21:51:07) Hillary: ho ya
(21:51:10) Hillary: come on
(21:51:11) Hillary: its BIG
(21:51:48) Hillary: oh stop whatever it is you are typing
(21:51:53) Hillary: i don't care that i gots a large bottom
(21:52:06) EsotericWombat: I'm hoping that an ego boost for it doesn't have any negative effects
(21:52:32) EsotericWombat: that would be weird
(21:52:50) EsotericWombat: like if a room full of people staring at it caused it to grow
(21:53:23) Hillary: =/
(21:53:26) Hillary: CREEEEEPYYYYY
(21:53:40) Hillary: "STOP STARING AT MY ASS!!"
(21:53:45) Hillary: "YOU'RE ENCOURAGING IT!!"

(22:30:27) EsotericWombat: pygoscopia means observing someone's rear; pygoscopophobia a pathological fear to be its unwilling object
(22:31:13) Hillary: how can you possibly become the unwilling object of someone's rear!!??!1
(22:31:22) EsotericWombat: no no no
(22:31:34) EsotericWombat: the unwilling object of pygoscopia
(22:31:42) Hillary: ahh
(22:31:53) Hillary: well it would suck to have that second one
(22:31:58) Hillary: "hey baby, nice ass"
(22:47:40) Hillary: good god why am i still awake...
(22:48:37) EsotericWombat: *shrugs* I'm not the person to be asking this question of
(22:49:16) Hillary: i go sleep now
(22:49:48) EsotericWombat: sleep well
(22:50:06) Hillary: i wills
(22:50:22) EsotericWombat: goodnight. and tell your ass I said goodnight too
(22:50:34) Hillary: oh i will
(22:50:38) Hillary: ill pat it for you =P
(22:51:08) EsotericWombat: heh
(22:51:33) EsotericWombat: and because I'm ever the gentleman, I won't interpret that as precedent
(22:51:39) Hillary: hahaa
(22:51:40) Hillary: night

I seriously hope I'm not the only one who thought this was funny enough to be worth posting because otherwise it does nothing to further the point I'm about to make. Anyways, whenever I need to write dialogue, I consult my archives. The style of an IM conversation can be, in fact, quite similar to scripted dialogue. For one, it's written, but more often than not its style is closer to spoken word than, say, an email. Where it differs from a chat on the phone or in person is that you're given a bit more time to think about your response. Of course, in a scripted comedy, all the lines are thought out (no one said they were always well thought out). And it all comes in a notation that's conveniently similar to something you could use for a draft script.

Where it has it's advantages is that unlike a script written by only one person the voices are by necessity the products of two different people talking. And while there is the aforementioned delay, there's room for a spontaneity that makes it more genuine than much of the dialogue you hear on TV and in movies. So am I saying that one can just reformat their AIM conversations and pitch a sitcom pilot? Fuck no. But there's almost certainly stuff in that above text that I can and will use in future work.

If the assholes who are responsible for writing all the shitty movies in and TV shows that are inflicted upon the public aren't doing this already, they should be. I could probably pull more good sitcom ideas out of my logs than existed within the entire run of Friends. (This is about 1/4 me saying I've got good stuff and 3/4 me doing some sass on what has to be the worst show to ever last 10 years)

I hold scripted humor to a high standard. I've been bitched out for this before, even though the given party asked for my opinion. My view is that if you're going to hand something to someone and get them to memorize it, it had better be goddamned worth it. Being funny can be hard, but that doesn't excuse the people who produce shit and package it as humor. Especially not the ones who get paid to do so.


  1. Oh where to begin. Hope Hillary and her ass slept well. Your part was hysterical :) Could vividly imagine Hilary's part

    Agree about IM's being gander for script

    I walk on crowded streets, listen to parts of conversations and imagine the rest in the style of the conversation

    They have Margaritiville's in Cancun. They have every shit chain restaurant and people love them

    The Hard Rock anchors a mall. A disco anchors another mall

    It was like 1988, a year you were on earth for but missed the whatever scene. Actually a great year but bad restaurant bar year

  2. It's really too bad I don't log IM's.

    Think about it wombat there is probably a goldmine in there.

  3. Yeah, I actually started logging IMs, but purge at the end of the month. Mainly safety, but sometimes for laughs as well.

    Lol...as for shitty movies and TV shows, completely agree. The world is made up of so much better shit than what passes for fictional drama these days.

    ...Jason says, as he readies himself for an evening with Mr. McQueen and The Great Escape.

  4. Still think that this was the funniest line aside from everything to do with Hilary's ass

    the unwilling object of pygoscopia

    It is great dialogue. I would take out a few of the ha ha's just for brevity and because they could become annoying on stage

  5. I used to log my IMs for a very similar reason. I never got anything that.... uhhh.... interesting... but I used to be able to blackmail my friends. Good times... lots of free donuts were had by me. *fatass*

    Anyway, funny.

    PSSidenote: Would you really be "cockblocking" the heterosexual women in the audience? Or are we simply omiting their existance for the sake of smooth story-telling?