Pirates versus Ninjas: A personal dilemma

(Originally posted at Absurdity Jam, which I've just now decided to let die, unless something comes up to convince me otherwise)

The internet has informed of of countless bizarre and interesting facts and concepts. In the realm of online obscenity, part of this phenomenom is known as Webcest, which is defined by The Urban Dictionary as "Any sort of fetish learned about, expanded upon, or performed on the internet." Jeffery Rowland, who defined the term, has this to say on the subject :

Webcest is that special feelin' you get when you're makin' love to your old lady and you're both dressed like giraffes! Webcest is when you find dirty pictures of your ex-girlfriend on the internet and you print them out for later.Webcest is when you discover a forum dedicated to people who are turned on by x ray photographs and you consider digging through your medical records to see what kind of attention your skeleton could generate.

But these new discoveries aren't limited to sexual depravity. Sometimes other, more ominous things (yes, more ominous than people fucking dressed as giraffes) are discovered. Like a centuries-old blood war, such as exists between Pirates and Ninjas. The phenomenon did emerge in the 1982 movie musical, Pirate Movie, wherein pirates and ninjas clashed upon a pirate ship, but that was at the time seen as a lone incedent. But intensive research and a number of Google searches now conclusively prove the existance of a conflict between the two, as old as both groups have existed. And it continues today, as even at MIT it is rumored that a Bachelors degree in piracy is available to one who takes the following PE courses: sailing, rowing, pistol, fencing, and ropes. A Bachelors in ninjitsu is also rumored, supposedly gained by entering the Great Dome and pressing Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start. The hardest part in this, it seems, is interfacing an old NES controller with a building. However, if anyone's able to accomplish this I have no doubts they went to MIT.

Ever since this age-old conflict was discovered the battle lines have been drawn on the internet, with little in the way of middle ground. Ninja Pirates and Pirate Ninjas have been rumored, but as such would require a ninja to go against everything he's ever stood for, or alternately for a pirate to be accepted into a dojo, they lie in doubt.

So what is it for those of us who think that pirates and ninjas are both awesome? What if one likes sudden deadly strikes out of the shadows and prolonged and at times humorous swashbuckling. What if one has at times celebrated Talk Like a Pirate Day and at others worn a t-shirt like a ninja mask? Must we choose one?

I personally love the katana and the sabre. The flintlock pistol and the shuriken. The roar of the cannons and the silence of the shadows.

And let's talk sex appeal (in this space it would certainly be remiss not to). Pirate Wenches? hot. So hot. We're talking sexy on a metaphysical level. And that's even the ones who aren't wearing super-revealing getups. And speaking as a heterosexual male, I submit that the hotness of Captain Jack Sparrow has universal appeal.

But then again, ninja girls are hot too. But not as notoriously. And while a female pirate is automatically incredibly hot, there is a lot of variance with girl ninjas; some of them merely look to be wearing tight-fitting burkhas. However, their extensive martial arts training must be taken into acount as they are no doubt all manner of flexible.

I'm torn up inside. I really am. I have, at various times, taken up the manner of each. I worked stage crew for the plays I didn't act in in school. Which at my school meant dressed all in black and most of us wore the mask. And I'm an enthusiastic net pirate. Entire television series reside within my hard drive, as well as a ton of music.

The bottom line is, it seems, that ninjas kick more ass, due to the intensive training, but pirates rock harder, due to the rum and the prediliction for "booty".

It's one of those questions that people use to define you. The webquiz/personality profile implications are staggering, and I lack definition enough as it is. If I had a dollar for every time I wanted to elaborate on my choice of X versus Y on those goddamned things I'd have a decent chunk of change. And this is one of the few cases where such a preference indicates supporting one side or another in a war.

Aw fuck it. Let them both hunt me down. It won't make me enjoy talking like a pirate, or in a poorly dubbed japanese action movie voice, any less. I love swords of all kinds. Eyepatches and black masks. Sailing and grappling hooks. And hot, hot girls who kick ass. And rum and booty. And vengeance and stealth. I'll sooner believe in a nebulous entity such as the ninja pirate and by so doing attract the label of a heretic than sacrifice any of this.

Yarg *vanishes*