Just for Laughs

I've had this post by Cooper rattling around in my head for almost a week now. In particular, this bit of it.

I don’t want to hear songs about masturbation, female or male, anymore than I want to hear songs about who you fuck, but hey that’s just me. Maybe it’s because I’ve been listening to them since 9th grade, and the novelty wore off at around age 18.

It's hard to not sort of agree there. Ultimately, I don't care if, when, where, why or how Britney Spears masturbates. I don't care about the masturbation habits of people who are god damned heroes to me. I mean, it's the one thing a person can do that doesn't effect me in the least. And most of the songs that were mentioned could be excised from history without doing any real damage.

Of course there's the argument that fluff pop culture has its purpose. Part of the maturation of my sense of humor coincided with my realizing that Garfield had ceased to be funny. Similarly, my identity as a geek was borne out through my being the only one in school who wasn't listening to the crap that we were told constituted good rap, which actually put me off the genre for years.

But I digress.

A friend of mine once posted a survey on his Livejournal pertaining to people's masturbation habits. How often, which hand(s)/devices, what sort of, ahem, visual aids used, etc. It was anonymous. Nonetheless, there was plenty of backlash.

"That's sick!"
"Why do you even want to know this shit?"
"You're a freak!"

He is, of course, a freak, but I did already mention that he's my friend. But he was never concerned with wanting to know what his friends did with their alone time. Just fascinated with habits of people in general. I am too, in fact. And there's one thing that I've noticed. Our popular culture is rife with references to male masturbation in comedy. Not so much with female masturbation.

Why is this? I'm not sure. It could be that female masturbation is seen as less inherently gross (and thus less inherently funny), or conversely, depending on who you ask, that it's seen as unmentionable. It also could be that men are the ones making the masturbation jokes. Or all of these reasons and more. Personally, I think that sex is hilarious in all of its forms. But that's not the point. Masturbation is an area with a sizable gender disparity. And not just in terms of who does it/who doesn't/who's ashamed of it. In terms of if they're even aware of it being an option.

And it occurs to me that the first I was ever made aware of masturbation as a concept wasn't in health class or "the talk" or any other conventional methods of edification. It was in jokes. And I wonder now, looking back, if it's entirely infeasible to suggest that absent the abundance of reference to male masturbation in popular culture I'd be more likely to think that I needed someone else to be involved to be gratified.

I'm constantly astounded by the things I hear about peoples ignorance of their own sexuality, but some of the most shocking instances all seem to stem from girls simply not being aware that they don't need a dude to get it done. Speaking as a dude, this is not something I'm happy about. Not even if you were to to exclude every implication it has outside the sheets. Fucked if I care that it means more demand or whatever. Anyone who thinks that they need what's between my legs to climax? I can't imagine it not winding up being intensely frustrating.

I'm not hyperbolizing (much) when I call this a pox on our society. Not only does it literally mean that there is less pleasure in the world than there should be-- this ignorance is reinforcement for the entire bulshit hetero-normative ownership paradigm.

In the words of Randall Munroe,




I hasten to note that Cooper never said that she was against the existence of songs about female masturbation, but I have to say that I'm specifically FOR them. I'm also for people joking about it and referencing it in pop culture in general. Because seriously, why the fuck not?


  1. I think you hear less about female masturbation for really obvious reasons..

    dicks start soft. Then they get hard, in some instances HUGE, and there's a splurge to finish.

    pussies? Rub it..put stuff in it..and...what else? there's no significant increase in size, nor a climatic finish, and for the most part a pussy is a pussy is a pussy.

    dicks hang, and have all sorts of various looks about them that peak someones interest. Pussies don't look a lot different, unless they're nasty, and nobody likes a nasty pussy.

    i'm very happy I used 2 dicks and 6 pussies to tell my story. I had 2 dicks, 5 pussies and a vagina, but swapped out the vagina after I saw there were 5 pussies there.

    ah, 5 dicks, 9 pussies(if you include these)

  2. also, Garfield's funny. He's funny like a Late Show host is funny in their monologue. You're too tired to really register the lack of humor, but laugh anyway. Most of the time, Garfield is read at an early hour, when people are tired, less acutely aware of what's really funny. Same goes for Letterman at 1130 at night.

    Try watching Letterman or Leno's monologue at 2pm, it's less funny.

    Garfield is like an Early Morning Show version!

  3. It's quite obvious Mickey doesn't have a clue. ;)

    Miss ya Wombat.

  4. Oy! Poor, poor... Mickey!

    Anyway, I will not go there with my sexual habits... however, I too don't get off about thinking of how or what everyone else does with themselves or who they are doing.

    Miss ya!

  5. Mickey: Well yeah, it's a different process, but a good comedian/ comedy writer can draw humor from any part of their experience. As for Garfeild/Letterman? I don't really find either to be funny very often, though Letterman does entertain me from time to time, and I'm NEVER tired by the time he's on =P

    Cooper: I can see where he's coming from-- female masturbation doesn't play as much into typical gross-out jokes. But I do think there's a lot to be done with it.

    Miss you too.

    Shayna: Heh. Yeah, I don't need to know just as I'm sure you don't need to know mine.

    I guess I'm always interested if it's just details with no information as to who they're coming from, and seldom interested otherwise.

    Miss you too.

  6. Anonymous6:02 PM

    Little Known Fact:
    Pat Desmond as gets off on inflicting minor incisions on the underbelly of small crippled bunny rabbits he breeds and hobbles in his basement. On this fact and this fact alone... his opinion on this subject is thusly expunged from the record in light of his unorthodox masterbation techniques.

    I would like to furter confess to having kept this secret to myself for years. Only now, after more than 6 years do I feel I have the willpower to stand up to the threats he used to silence me. The truth is more important!!! Innocent bunnies are not the answer Pat. They never were!!!

    Free the bunnies!!!!!

    Free the bunnies!!!!!

    Free the... *muffles*







    *dedicated to the untimely demise of an honorable and just human being*
    R.I.P. Josh

  7. You should come to Vox, so we can hang out, and drink tea!

  8. the pink superhero6:10 PM

    OK, I only read this because you left it up in my browser, but I remember this conversation and something I wanted to add -- j'ever see This Film Is Not Yet Rated? It's a bunch of big angrifying examples of what does and doesn't pass for obscenity culturally. Male masturbation and traditional sex positions pass the Hollywood censors, while cunnilingus, female masturbation, and, of course, anything gay, is NC-17.

  9. I don't want to hear about female masturbation for the same reasons you don't want to hear about male. It's similar to women understanding male homosexuality and not really getting lesbians while with men it's the opposite

    And I don't know any people who actually discuss this subject except in an intellectual generalized manner

    Happy New Year Patrick. May it be wonderful


    MJ: DONE

    TPS: I haven't. But sweet fucking god damn. I'm pretty sure that there are exceptions there but none of it surprises me.

    Pia: It's not that I'm particularly averse to hearing about male masturbation per se. I joke about it. I've spoken briefly about it in the past. I'm not terribly interested in hearing about it to any great detail, of course. Also I used to not get male homosexuality, but I do now. That's beside the point I suppose