For Miz B

Few people know the true story of the Energizer bunny. Actually this is a good thing for all concerned, I think. Were it common knowledge I think it the poor creature would be far worse off for it. Luckily, nothing I introduce here has any danger of becoming common knowledge, so I can safely share the tale.

It all started with a mutation. That much is clear given easily identifiable facts about the bunny. A naturally born rabbit is not pink. It is not that big. It doesn't play the drums. It can't get around on only two legs. And it doesn't wear sunglasses. What isn't widely known is just how much of the abnormality can be attributed to mutation. The truth is, the size and the color are all that he was born with, as a result of his mother's being a part of a failed medical experiment towards a possible cure for cancer that fortunately (in the minds of the financial backers) instead resulted in a new form of hair dye, revolutionary in that it could be taken in pill form, a godsend for those desperate to match the carpet to the drapes without all that unpleasant bleaching downstairs. Sadly, the celebrations for this advancement were destined to be short lived after the laboratory was firebombed by the Animal Liberation Front, killing the scientists involved and destroying the datasets as well as most of the animals, save for the mother of the one who would become known as the Energizer Bunny. Curiously enough, among the other destroyed resarch was a cure for Restless Leg Syndrome that didn't carry the risk of causing heart valves to leak, and a potential cure for genital herpes, which was the reason that the rabbits had been chosen for the tests in the first place.

The rest is a far stranger story.

One day, the enormous cottontail encountered a bass drum. He was intrigued by the instrument, and after studying it for several minutes, leaped headfirst into it, bouncing back, hurt, but pleased by the resulting sound, and determined to find a way to produce it that did less damage. It was then that he noticed the mallet laying beside it. Determined, he furiously struggled to grip it, but as is well known, the front legs of a rabbit, nevermind his color or scale, are ill-equipped for the task. But along with his color and size this rabbit was born with a sort of masochism that found meaning in a task simply because it was impossible.

He was at it for days before he was noticed. First by his unmutated bretheren, who didn't know what to make of the spectacle but madness, but they were unsure of whose. Attempts to stop the pink giant were fruitless for reasons that should be all too fucking obvious. Eventually they just let him be, presumably because it was simply easier to pretend that he didn't exist. Not too long afterwards he was seen by a man with a suit and a briefcase. It just so happened that the man was the VP of advertising for Energizer, in grave danger of being fired for a lack of new ideas. He was convinced that he'd saved his job even before he realized that it wasn't the acid that a colleague had slipped in his coffee that was responsible for the sight. He instantly knew what to do.

A simple offer was made to the strange creature. Make a mark on the piece of paper and learn how to play the drum. The fine print, as is often the case, was glossed over. Normally surgery isn't involved in musical instruction, but this was an extraordinary case. The spine had to be reinforced to carry the weight of the drum. The front legs had to be enhanced both to grip the mallet and to swing it. And because the back legs were designed for hopping and not walking, a new means of getting around was required. It was for that reason that wheels and a motor were installed, and that required a power source and a general rewiring of the host body. For convenience, the entire digestive system was removed and the rabbit's body was converted to be run entirely on battery power (which incidentally led to him no longer eating carrots, and thus going blind and needing the sunglasses).

Which is how they got him. Contrary to the commercials, the bunny isn't powered by any battery that one can purchase at a store, or anywhere in fact. It's a special model produced only by the Energizer company specifically for that purpose. Once a year, the bunny needs to return to headquarters to receive a new battery or die. Which removes any need for the company to pay him. Only they can keep him alive; no one has tried to reproduce the battery, because with a market of one pink drum-playing rabbit there's no profit in it, even if a 100% turnover rate is attained. And aside from that, very few people are aware that the creature is real, so those who would be willing to take action don't know that action need be taken. So the Energizer Bunny lives on, traveling the world and beating the drum, for that's all he knows to do now; his dream twisted into a nightmare by a marketing department. He's not been seen for a while, so for all we know he may have finally refused to keep pounding.

Let us all learn well the lesson of the Energizer Bunny. That being... don't let men in business suits rewire you to create a state of dependency? Maybe?

Whatever