6.24.2007

For Miz B

Few people know the true story of the Energizer bunny. Actually this is a good thing for all concerned, I think. Were it common knowledge I think it the poor creature would be far worse off for it. Luckily, nothing I introduce here has any danger of becoming common knowledge, so I can safely share the tale.

It all started with a mutation. That much is clear given easily identifiable facts about the bunny. A naturally born rabbit is not pink. It is not that big. It doesn't play the drums. It can't get around on only two legs. And it doesn't wear sunglasses. What isn't widely known is just how much of the abnormality can be attributed to mutation. The truth is, the size and the color are all that he was born with, as a result of his mother's being a part of a failed medical experiment towards a possible cure for cancer that fortunately (in the minds of the financial backers) instead resulted in a new form of hair dye, revolutionary in that it could be taken in pill form, a godsend for those desperate to match the carpet to the drapes without all that unpleasant bleaching downstairs. Sadly, the celebrations for this advancement were destined to be short lived after the laboratory was firebombed by the Animal Liberation Front, killing the scientists involved and destroying the datasets as well as most of the animals, save for the mother of the one who would become known as the Energizer Bunny. Curiously enough, among the other destroyed resarch was a cure for Restless Leg Syndrome that didn't carry the risk of causing heart valves to leak, and a potential cure for genital herpes, which was the reason that the rabbits had been chosen for the tests in the first place.

The rest is a far stranger story.

One day, the enormous cottontail encountered a bass drum. He was intrigued by the instrument, and after studying it for several minutes, leaped headfirst into it, bouncing back, hurt, but pleased by the resulting sound, and determined to find a way to produce it that did less damage. It was then that he noticed the mallet laying beside it. Determined, he furiously struggled to grip it, but as is well known, the front legs of a rabbit, nevermind his color or scale, are ill-equipped for the task. But along with his color and size this rabbit was born with a sort of masochism that found meaning in a task simply because it was impossible.

He was at it for days before he was noticed. First by his unmutated bretheren, who didn't know what to make of the spectacle but madness, but they were unsure of whose. Attempts to stop the pink giant were fruitless for reasons that should be all too fucking obvious. Eventually they just let him be, presumably because it was simply easier to pretend that he didn't exist. Not too long afterwards he was seen by a man with a suit and a briefcase. It just so happened that the man was the VP of advertising for Energizer, in grave danger of being fired for a lack of new ideas. He was convinced that he'd saved his job even before he realized that it wasn't the acid that a colleague had slipped in his coffee that was responsible for the sight. He instantly knew what to do.

A simple offer was made to the strange creature. Make a mark on the piece of paper and learn how to play the drum. The fine print, as is often the case, was glossed over. Normally surgery isn't involved in musical instruction, but this was an extraordinary case. The spine had to be reinforced to carry the weight of the drum. The front legs had to be enhanced both to grip the mallet and to swing it. And because the back legs were designed for hopping and not walking, a new means of getting around was required. It was for that reason that wheels and a motor were installed, and that required a power source and a general rewiring of the host body. For convenience, the entire digestive system was removed and the rabbit's body was converted to be run entirely on battery power (which incidentally led to him no longer eating carrots, and thus going blind and needing the sunglasses).

Which is how they got him. Contrary to the commercials, the bunny isn't powered by any battery that one can purchase at a store, or anywhere in fact. It's a special model produced only by the Energizer company specifically for that purpose. Once a year, the bunny needs to return to headquarters to receive a new battery or die. Which removes any need for the company to pay him. Only they can keep him alive; no one has tried to reproduce the battery, because with a market of one pink drum-playing rabbit there's no profit in it, even if a 100% turnover rate is attained. And aside from that, very few people are aware that the creature is real, so those who would be willing to take action don't know that action need be taken. So the Energizer Bunny lives on, traveling the world and beating the drum, for that's all he knows to do now; his dream twisted into a nightmare by a marketing department. He's not been seen for a while, so for all we know he may have finally refused to keep pounding.

Let us all learn well the lesson of the Energizer Bunny. That being... don't let men in business suits rewire you to create a state of dependency? Maybe?

Whatever

15 comments:

  1. Wow.

    This is so good its disturbing. Or vice-versa.

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  2. That was FABULOUS!!!!!

    What a sad and twisted tale! I am crying tears of utter sadness for the poor Energizer Bunny and here I was thinking I could give the poor soul a run for his money when he doesn't even get paid!

    Although, that crazy group could not have been the ALF... I read a book on them when a teen and it is a HUGE thing for them to never, ever blow up a place without making sure that there are no live beings in there at all... plus they always break in before, free the animals and gather all the evidence possible which they then give to PETA to legally fight the battle... which is why it is a joke that they are considered terrorists since they kill no one and simply cause huge monetary damage to the evil companies that profit off of the torture of many souls... yeah, I wanted to be an ALF member when a teen, I so kid you not! Oy!

    But where is the ALF now when the Energizer Bunny obviously needs help????

    I am IMPRESSED my dear Patrick! Fabulous story and I totally echo Jason's sentiments! And how flattered and touched am I to the dedication? MUCHO let me tell you! Thank you for a brilliant story amigo mio... this should totally be filmed... the E True Hollywood story on the Energizer Bunny!

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  3. I commented on this already and it was a long comment so I am kind of pissed. To put it succinctly - I'm impressed.

    ha ha, sad and twisted oh yea I wouldn't be here otherwise.

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  4. Jason: Hah! Thanks, dude

    Miz B: So glad you liked it. As for the ALF, I originally meant to say that they weren't supposed to be in the building at the time, and in fact did do some research into the sort of groups that might do something like that, but from what I read most of the members groups that condone violence against humans to further their goals are also members of the ALF and exist seperately only to maintain a shroud of legitimacy for the ALF.

    I think that firebombing a building to further a goal is pretty clear cut. It's using fear and shock and awe to make a political statement. The point I was originally making (but in fact forgot to articulate) was that if it provokes in animal testing companies the fear that their personnel might be harmed by such an attack, the effect is the same, even if that wasn't the intent. And they've gotten harder of late. Here's a statement from two years ago:

    "A new era has dawned for those who fund the abusers and raise funds for them to murder animals with. You too are on the hit list: you have been warned. If you support or raise funds for any company connected with Huntingdon Life Sciences we will track you down, come for you and destroy your property with fire."

    They may not have been terrorists back in the day when you wanted to join, but that right there was a goddamned fatwa.

    Furthermore, it isn't only the cosmetics companies that engage in animal testing. Without animal testing there is no medical research and without it we'd be without countless medicines and cures.

    Understandably we're going to have differing views here as I'm not a vegetarian, but I think even the most hardcore vegan will admit that there was a point when humans needed animal fur to keep from freezing to death and while it may be seen as regrettable it was a necessity. The same is true of medical testing.

    As for the cosmetics industry I understand the opposition and am in fact opposed (though wouldn't use those tactics) but on the medical side I'm curious how many people have gone without treatment and suffered for it because research was destroyed. Especially since, as I understand it, most of the animals rescued from these places are eventually euthanized by PETA's shelters.

    I wasn't intending for any entity involved in that story to come out looking good.

    Again I'm glad that you liked it. I just had to go with it when I saw that bit in your post.

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  5. i love the twisted writing man lurking in the shadows.

    nice to be back in this space. :)

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  6. and I the ethereal nymph walking the earth while floating among the clouds.

    nice to have you back

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  7. Dios mio... well, forgive my answer as I know it beforehand to end up being all over the place because i am dead tired and braindead (literally since I am up at 5 am and running until 1 am I kid you not!)...

    Well, those who perform acts of violence in the name of the ALF are truly not a part of it but using the ALF as their name, or any way insinuating an affiliation, gets them notice and yes, I agree with you insomuch that they should indeed be considered terrorists and captured and thrown in jail and locked up... not that you said that but I will go ahead and add that to the mix...

    Bottomline, any group that in any way whatsoever threatens or even carries out bodily harm against any being, in my mind, has stepped over the line... we are in agreement there although I do not believe them to be a part of the original core of the ALF and hey, their main thing (the original ALFers that is) is to be 100% anonymous... even to each other as no ALF member knows any of the other ones since they only know each other by a letter as a name and are always masked when in the presence of each other... and so they can't necessarily speak out in the media or send on over a spokesperson! ;-)

    I highly disagree with you when it comes to animal research in medical testing being a necessity.. I, unfortunately, do not have any of my literature in front of me nor do I remember the names of the books (although an oldie but goodie called "The Naked Empress" comes to mind) as I am more than a tad frazzled and exhausted and running behind on everything but there are many alternative and mroe accurate ways of conducting research that would yield speedier, more concrete results than animal testing...

    There are a lot of politics involved in animal testing when it comes to medical research (as well as for cosmetics purposes)...

    a) It is easier for organizations and whatnot to get funding and grants if animal research is involved and countless researchers out there, unfortunately, or more interested in the funding than in the actual studies they are doing...

    b)The allopathic medical system in most developed nations is set up so that the medication does not heal but simply erase the symptoms, never fully healing you, therefore keeping you sick and pumping more money into the system and animal research is a pretty-and-accepted-by-society-and-fallaciously-at-that front with which to get funding...

    c) Much of the arguments for animal rights are shit because they focus on the emotional and moral aspects of experimenting on sentient beings. It is part of an unspoken thing between the activists and the medical establishment that they not get into the mess of challenging them directly over the medication because what is happening is that every year countless numbers of allopathic medications cause people to be horribly sick or to even die from them so they get removed from the shelves, "tweaked and improved" via, what else, animal experimentation, and reintroduced into the populace under a different name and the cycle goes on but no one gives a shit because it is all a part of a huge money making thang the medical establishment feeds itself off of and citing their studies and linking it to the fact that animal research was a part of it sadly gives them more credibility... and legally, getting to the core of the issue and fighting the giant that the medical machine and insurance companies and HMOs and whatnot are is too huge a monster for animal rights groups to handle and so much of the focus is wrongly on the sentimental mush...

    There is much more but right now I cannot for the life of me focus on this stuff...

    Yes, there are societies and tribal peoples that, due to their lack of technology and whatnot need to use animals for food and skin and leather and I understand that but there is no excuse for us, in the society we live in and with the plethora of alternatives available to feed into the machine... we have the gift of reason but sadly it is a gift wasted on many.

    As for PETA, I find it hard to believe the euthanizing claim but that's not a big deal here... I am not too crazy about PETA in that I think their tactics with the public at large is too vicious and aggressive. I think we need to be aggressive and have a strong fight in us in court but if the hope is to turn people we have to ease them into it as old habits are hard to break... I actually am not the preaching kind but once asked my opinion I don't hold back and have, in fact, turned a lot of hardcore meat eaters and people not sympathetic to the animal rights cause totally for it as well as into vegetarians and it was all because I led by example and calmly spoke to them as to my personal reasons involved in my chosen lifestyle. Not to toot my own horn but the mention is simply to say that PETA's tactics are, unfortunately, very alienating.

    So I hope you are not taking my original comment the wrong way 'cause it wasn't meant as a criticism but simply as an offering of a bit of trivia and DAMMIT! Focus on the fact that I LOVED the story! AAAH! ;-P

    Well, off I go to sit down a bit 'cause I am DEAD! Besos to you amigo mio... it is down to SEVEN days now!

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  8. Miz B: You absolutely will not hear me come out waving a flag in favor of the medical establishment. And I'll even agree that not all of the cases where it's employed are necessary. But it would take a hell of a lot of convincing to get me to agree that the practice as a whole is unnecessary. I have read the arguments, but what I've seen seems to support a refinement of the practice to minimize suffering and enhance accuracy.

    The statement I quoted was released from an official ALF source, so at the very least that bit isn't someone hijacking the name.

    And I know that you weren't trying to put a damper on anything and I am glad you liked it. I just felt the need to throw in my opinion. Nothing from you is ever taken the wrong way.

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  9. There is so much more to the arguments that would require actual explanations of alternative healing modalities that in and of themselves render a lot of research null... plus much, much more that I don't have the sufficient knowledge right now to explain... arguments and things seen before that made it all click but that my tired brain cannot remember but, all in all, I feel that we agree on the essentials and, if not, that we are good at agreeing to disagree FO SHO! :-)

    Really? Damn things have changed and, if that is the case, then they are not what they were and have indeed crossed over into deserving to be called terrorists and that saddens me to no end!

    I am glad to hear that! I owe you an email but hope to get to it when I am a bit more lucid! Hope you are having a good week amigo mio! Besos...

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  10. I think that the whole damn game needs a reboot because the idea of "mainstream" and "alternative" healing methods being at opposition to one another is fucking absurd in my mind.

    Yeah, the only thing we seem to differ on is whether or not a degree of testing is necessary, and neither of us is the sort who would ignore overwhelming evidence.

    The problem with the ALF is the same problem that can be seen in just about any radical organization. If you self-identify as a radical, then keeping on the right side of any line requires a shit-ton of self-consciousness that's hard to maintain in a large group.

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  11. The only rabbit I have any interest in is the vibrating one, and let me tell you, that fucker goes through some batteries!

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  12. Actually they were thinking of replacing their mascot with one of those when he didn't show up one week, but didn't for just that reason.

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  13. Wow I had a comment all prepared about the Energizer Bunny and the hysterical post and I come to these comments between you and MizzyB, who it turns it, is keeping less of a count down clock than I am, and I just don't know....

    A vibrating rabbit? The possibilities intrigue

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  14. I forgot to ask if the Boho's are stopping at JFK. Would have run there

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  15. i'm back and i'm at blogger again:
    http://vespersescape.blogspot.com

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